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The complete guide to stalking someone on Social Media *EXCLUSIVE Leave a comment

If you are a human being like me, you have been interested in particular people or just maybe fancy a particular persons life. We are all investigative journalists to some extent….. Especially when the person in this case is making it difficult for us to get to them. Toda y(with aid of complete research *ok I’m kidding… I really made this up in the bathroom) we are going to learn how to stalk somebodies Facebook or Twitter profile…..

1. Click on the links that they post. If the person that you intend to relate you posts videos, articles or any links don’t hesitate to click on them. Remember, you want to create an impression when you are having a conversation with them. E.g if she posts a ‘Lady Gaga wears meat dress’ article you can always have a convo pointing out the advantages of wearing such a dress to a barbecue and how lucky you might be if the meat runs out. Use these hints as leverage for that intelligent conversation. Ladies like intelligent guys rite?

2. Study their pics carefully. Notice their dressing styles from shoes most worn, amount of make up applied, favorite colors and of course the amount of alteration of photos used. Yes, just assume that the amount of photo shop used is directly proportional to insecurities. It would also be helpful to download their pictures to your phone so that you may learn to anticipate how you will act when you actually meet them.

3. Check on what they comment on. Find out if they comment on that ‘Omg, my cat died’ with a ‘oh, who was mean enough to hit it 9 times’(This is blonde language). This may help you learn how to speak their language and avoid difficult language when speaking to such people as described above

4. Check the emoticons that they use. Emoticons are a very powerful way of communicating. If used right they can convey a number of emotions in a simple way. Check on the emoticons that your target frequently uses so that you may appeal to them when you send them that ‘Hi, This is crazy…. I just thought of you…… Here is a message….. So reply maybe’ text message, tweet or inbox.

5. Read their status/tweets updates carefully plus their locations. If they are activists by their updates then also pick up a cause…… It can be any random cause. If you don’t have any in mind then become a Samosa Undie Fundamentalists against the government policies in relation to the rising tax on your favorite undies…..*ok sorry

6. If they post their locations turn up where they are and pretend to be surprised to see them with the ‘Hey, I didn’t know that you also came here too……..’ line

7. Find out the relationships with the people close to them by close I mean cousin aunties or the people close to them. For example, if your target is some girl find out how the close males who are influential in her life behave….. The easiest way to a woman’s heart is to imitate the father figure because in her eyes(even though she may not admit it) that is the ideal man in her life….. Now you know something new kiddo!

8. Find out their birthday and find a way to make it special for them. How? Be creative. Come up with a cool wall post, be the first to wish them Happy birthday, text them after you have posted on their wall and in-boxed them e.t.c Pay attention like your regular stalker would to. Do something outstanding…. like send her a text T 11:59 just before her birthday.

9. Duplicate their status update. Yes, when you want the stalkee to finally realize they are being targeted blatantly steal their status update/tweet even if it says ’3rd day in a row without taking a shower….. Woo hooo’

10.. Read their bio and surprisingly offer them that particular movie or series that they are interested in e.g if they happen to like ‘House’ tell them that you intend to discard your complete 9 season set and you are looking for somebody who is interested in them’…. Guys, bio’s have much information that can be helpful, use it to your advantage…. unless she cant cook chapati.

have fun stalking you idle individual…….

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