A MOTHER’S IMPACT

Dear Taiwo,
I am a regular reader of your column and I have never missed any of your editions. My observation, though (I might not be right, anyway), is that you are always attacking men.

Are you a man-hater? (Laugh) (This is just a joke anyway). Most of the time it is only what men did to women that get published and not otherwise. I can tell you that this is why I decided to share my own story too and I encourage others from my gender to do the same.

It is not about being hard, or macho. Let us remove machoism, we all learn everyday and learning through a medium like this, who knows we could have a better tomorrow and get a well deserved “pat-on-the back” from our children.

Taiwo, I followed religiously, the story of the woman, whose “heart bleeds” because her children who she single-handed raised, wanted their father who was then irresponsible to be a part of their lives now. I took my time to read the responses she got and also the woman whose husband did a similar thing to, by abandoning her with her kids after she made him.

No doubt, men like the abound in the world, not only in Nigeria, but I wish it was possible for me to share the experience of my father with some of you out there.

I am not trying to praise-sing my father. What if I did? He is worth more than that. Like people would say that there are mothers-in a-million. There are also fathers-in-a-million and my dad is one of such men. I agreed with all the writers and contributors who stated that what ever we sow on earth is what we reap.

Yes! But it is very impossible for any one, man or woman to want to reap from what he or she did not sow. It is very easy to plead for forgiveness, just like we all ask God to forgive us when we recite the Lord’s prayer every morning. But what about posterity? How does one feel reaping or eating from where he or she did not labour at all?

Just as your former writers, were victims of irresponsible fathers who abandoned them for other men my younger brother and I were also victims of a mother or should I say a woman who abandoned us for not just one man but other men.

I wasn’t too young to know that everyday my father returned from work both of them would quarrel, why? Because she (my mother) was never home whenever dad was back from work.

Both of them were graduates. You can say that dad was a university graduate, while she finished her Higher National Diploma(HND) from one of the federal polythecnics.

She had job options, but according to dad, which she later corroborated, they both agreed that she should go into buying and selling so that she would be available for her husband and children. This was not forced on her.

She decided which business she wanted, and later settled for a supermarket. A shop was rented close to our home which was in a Government Reserved Area (GRA).

She had sales girls; dad said he invested much in business so that she would not lack anything and sometimes, she would travel to the US and UK to buy goods for sale. You can imagine how big her shop was. She had shop attendants and also house maids at home.

I came two years after their marriage and my brother came five years after. It wasn’t that they had any problem, but that was what my mother wanted.

My father is a type of man who wanted many children around him, but my mother truncated that dream when she insisted on having just two children as she did not want to lose her beauty to child bearing and pregnancy.

In all ramifications, she was and is still a beautiful woman. She is the reason why I refused to marry early and marry a fair-skinned lady.

There was no time I saw a fair skinned lady that I did not re-member my mother. It used to disgust me the way she spent hours in the bathroom and other valuable hours in front of the mirror when we had to go out.

At a point, dad used to quarrel with her because she made us get late to school everyday. My father is time conscious, he later decided to be dropping us at school every morning instead of leaving us with mum. This however meant that we had to wake up early to prepare for school with the assistance of one of the housemaids to follow dad in his official car.

My brother and I used to enjoy going to school in daddy’s car, because it meant that his orderly would open the door for us when we got to school.

Thereafter, dad’s driver and orderly were picking us from school when mum would leave us in school for hours after closing which necessitated the school’s authorities warning letters to our parents.

When daddy took mummy up on this issue, she gave her usual excuses that she had to attend to her customers, who usually come into her supermarket in there 10s and 20s to pick various things on their way home. No one knew as at that time that mummy never stayed in her shop, she was either with her friends or with one of her various bedmates.

Something, however, happened to my younger brother in school one afternoon which eventually led to a serious quarrel between our parents. Because of mum’s attitude to time and the fact that she also came home very late the previous night, she was unable to know that my brother had malaria, but one of our housemaid treated him with panadol. Very early the following morning we left earlier for school, in fact, we left earlier than usual because daddy had to travel out of town to attend an important meeting. In a bid to follow him so that we wouldn’t get to school late, my brother did not take his medication. Eventually, my brother convulsed in school, because his temperature was too high.

It was not in the days of GSM, after giving him first-aid, the school authority called our parents, I was not on hand to tell them that our daddy travelled after dropping us in school, but no one could trace mum’s whereabouts. The telephone in her shop revealed that she was not there while the one at home confirmed that she wasn’t there.

Eventually the school authority took my brother to a nearby hospital because according to the head teacher, he still needed the attention of a doctor. I was asked to stay back in school, because the head teacher felt he would return immediately to the school’s sick bay.

Unfortunately, my brother was admitted in the hospital. The head teacher had to stay with him but later told the school’s secretary to inform my mum of the development so that she could take over from her at the hospital.

I was in primary five while my brother was in the kindergarten class. I was fortunate to know the phone number to the house off hand and the school’s secretary had to call home to ask one of our housemaids to come and pick me after seven o’clock in the evening. The other one at home called my uncle’s wife who eventually had to go and stay with my brother in the hospital.

We all knew that daddy would be away from home for three days. And because of this, mum also decided to leave home on an escapade to return the following day. She had however arranged with one of her friends who was a teacher at a nearby school to pick my brother and I and drop us at home, but unfortunately, her friend forgot to do so. Because it was not the days of GSM, nobody could locate her to tell her about the development at home and when dad eventually called very late in the night, one of the housemaids and I told him everything.

Daddy promised coming home first thing the next day and you won’t believe that he got home before mum.

Eventually, she came the following day when my brother had already been discharged from the hospital. When daddy asked her where she was, she said she had to get some goods which were on high demand.

She said she had to travel to Cotonou, and unfortunately, she couldn’t return home because her friend’s car which they travelled with had fault on the way.

Daddy was very angry and he asked why she didn’t delay the purchase of the goods till he came back.

I could still remember vividly that daddy did not say more than this only for mum to pick a quarrel and she eventually slept out that night. She was not concerned about my little brother who wept till the following morning. She stayed away from home for a whole week, and her mother and some of her aunties later came with her to plead with daddy.

This was just one of the incidents I could remember. When I finished my primary education, I was to go to a boarding school, but dad prevailed on me to stay back so I could help take care of my brother. I was in my fourth form when he finished and we both went to the boarding school. Mum was never there for us when we were growing up.

I could also remember well the scene which played itself out when dad listened to one of her conversations on the telephone extension and when he saw a letter written to her by one of her boyfriends.

The last straw which broke the camel’s back came when dad found out that she was dating and actually sleeping with one of his friends. We were on holidays from school, we witnessed it all.

Instead of pleading, she became confrontational and moved out of the house that night.

Daddy equally did not stop her; I guess he was tired of the marriage as well. After she had left, we had to tidy up her room the following day where, we saw a lot of juju and funny items. In fact, we saw a tortoise in a calabash, I was not too small to know that mum was equally fetish.

Daddy did not re-marry again after her. He got a male steward and other domestic servants and we had relative peace.

I went to the university and studied Medicine, my brother is a qualified engineer. To the glory of God, dad retired and aged gracefully. He had one or two female companions but never remarried. He lived well.

In fact, he was concerned about my decision not to get married. I got married four months ago at the age of 42. My aunt, dad’s younger sister stood in our mother’s place. She did not like this, she complained and almost threw a tantrum. I told her in a plain language that I never wanted her at my wedding. At a level, she accused my dad of setting us against her, but I was quick to remind her of the fact that we were not too young when everything happened.

Before my wedding, my brother and I have had cause to have issues with her. She asked for financial support, it is good for me to let you know that dad never took any of her businesses from her, she equally went away with some of dad’s things, but she squandered everything.

When she asked for financial assistance, dad encouraged us to help her. My younger brother too is yet to get married.

He also told her that, on his wedding day she has no “mother’s” place, now she is begging people to plead with us.

My question, however, remains, where was she when we needed her most? Why does she need children now? Like people would say; forgive her and let whatever she did be buried in the past.

She has been forgiven, but posterity will definitely judge.