THREE SIDES TO A STORY…WHAT A CALAMITY

Dear Taiwo,
I am not one of those people who believe in coincidence. I have never been a student of that school of thought, and I sincerely wonder why the event I am about to narrate, which I want you to counsel me on is happening just a few weeks to Christmas like it did precisely 17 years ago.

Exactly two weeks before Christmas, my wedded wife, Adun, left me. Just like her name, before she left, she was the spice of my life. Whenever I was with her, I forgot every worry and trouble. She equally gave me two beautiful gifts no one else could give. God Almighty gave me two wonderful children through her.

Our home and/or marriage was the envy of everyone who knew us until I lost my job, and couldn’t find another one for over one year.The joy in my marriage disappeared because my wife of seven years could not bear with me.

I was, however, happy that she did not take my children away. They remained my source of joy up till today and it was because of them that I made up mind not to re-marry because I cannot stand any woman maltreating my gems.

Adun and I met when we were in the university. We were at the same level, but not in the same school. She studied Sociology while I read Accounting. We met during a sporting event, though we were supposed to be on opposite sides, supporting our schools’ team but funny enough we both supported my team and we won.

I later invited her to have a drink on me to celebrate our victory and that was how our relationship started.

We graduated the same year and went for the youth service. Funny enough, she did her service in Lagos, while I was posted to Maiduguri. Throughout my service year, I did not travel down South more than twice but we still maintained our relationship and I guessed the distance really helped our relationship. In Maiduguri, I served in a bank, and probably because of my disposition towards things, hard work and luck, I was given a permanent appointment.

Maiduguri was too far from home, and I complained to the branch manager who incidentally was a Yoruba man, and who advised that I should work for some months and them seek for transfer to whereever I wanted.

I took his advice and worked for seven months, and sought a transfer to Lagos. Instead of being transferred to Lagos, I was transferred to Ilorin, where I spent another four years.

All through these times, Adun stood by me. Our love grew stronger and we started our wedding plans. She stayed in Lagos with her parents and she equally got a job with a bank in Lagos. All the while that I was out of Lagos, she met my parents and they really loved her and vice versa. We really loved each other, I must confess that I really did not know what went wrong and why she decided to leave when she did.

We got married when I was at the Ilorin branch of my office and luckily for me, I was transferred to Lagos two months after my marriage. Just before we got married, Adun left the banking job for a better one, with an internationally sponsored non-governmental organisation (NGO), which had monetary grants to work on eradicating maternal mortality and morbidity from USAID. I felt better because I was concerned about how she would cope when our children started coming.

Her job was a good one; the only thing, I really did not like about it was that she travelled a lot; but fortunately, her trips reduced the moment it was obvious she was pregnant.
Our two children came in quick succession. Our son came exactly a year and two months after his sister who is our first child. I give glory to God for the gift of these two wonderful gems.

Unfortunately, two years after the birth of our son, I lost my job to reorganisation exercise in our bank. The initial months were okay as there were high hopes that I would soon secure another job, then I had some money in my savings that I could still run my home on. I am the type of man who believes that I should shoulder all my responsibilities, and God has always given me the grace to do so.

When Adun started her Non-Governmental Organisation (NGO) job, she earned more than I did. This, however, did not make me allow her to do anything formally in the house. Although, I could not rule out 100 per cent that she did not contribute, I made sure that my wife and children lacked nothing.

Events, however, took a bad turn when I was unable to secure another job for nine months. For the fact that I wasn’t adding any supplement to my savings, my money started to run out. As if that was not enough, my father fell ill. He had cancer of the colon; I had no choice but to take care of him, being the only son and the first child. Although my two other siblings played their part, because I had no means of replacing the money I was spending it started to tell on me and I started running out of cash.

While this was going on, I expected Adun to support me. I did not stop searching for jobs, but I just was not lucky. Unfortunately, Adun at this trying period of my life became a changed woman entirely. She became a nag and would complain about everything. At a point, she made my financial state an issue. She complained about having to spend her money to run the homefront. She would pick up quarrel over non-issues and would call me names. Whenever she was in such mood, I tried to keep my cool. Ordinarily, I am a quiet person; I also grew up in an environment where open confrontation between parents and even siblings was not a common thing.

I never witnessed my parents quarrel or exchange words. I am sure it would have happened, but they did a good job at keeping their quarrels from us. If our parents were peace loving, we their children had no cause but to maintain peace in the home.

So her attitude and change in behaviour surprised and shocked me. To cut the long story short, on the fateful day, exactly two weeks to Xmas, I went out to pick our children from school. Of course Adun was supposed to be in the office, but I was confronted with a sight that I couldn’t forget in a hurry. Adun came with a haulage truck to move her things out of our home.

She moved everything that was hers, even kitchen utensils. It was not the day of GSM, but I called her parent land line, her mother picked the call and the response she could give was, “Adun is a grown-up and she can take her decisions by herself”.

That was how Adun left me and our two kids. I was afraid she would want to take the children, but she did not even make an attempt to. We lived at Oregun I learnt later that she moved into a rented apartment on Victoria Island.

Shortly after she left, my father died. It became a double tragedy for me. My immediate sibling who married a year earlier mentioned my plight to her husband because I was almost becoming a mental wreck. My mother had to take my kids so she could take care of them. I equally moved back to my father’s house because our house lost all it had after Adun moved out.

My mother and family members made attempts at reconciliation, but Adun’s mother’s reply was always that she was an adult who was capable of taking her own decisions.

My brother-in-law, however got me a job at the company of one of the richest men in the country as an accountant, and I was able to gradually pick up my life again.

I heard that Adun had re-married. In fact, she married the man who was instrumental in her moving out of our home. She even refused to ask after her children once she learnt they were living with my mother.

To the glory of God. I was lifted up again. Now, I have my own house and even my own business that is doing very well. I always heard stories about Adun because I still loved her. I learnt she had two children for the man she left me for. Her relationship with him, however, became sour when his wife who had been abroad came back home.

Apparently, the man lied to her. He equally duped her of a large sum of money which belonged to her office and because of this fraud, her appointment was terminated and this man also left her. Talking sincerely, I never wished her evil. To my surprise, however, two weeks ago, she called my cell phone that she wanted to see me. I obliged her and we met at a popular eatery on the Island. She wanted to come back and at the same time wanted me to forgive her. Since I didn’t marry, she wanted us to make things work again. She wanted to show me how repentant she had become if I would forgive her. Forgive her of what was my question. She didn’t even know how our children grew up or their whereabouts.

I was too shocked to say anything. I asked her to give me some time and she has since been pestering me on phone. What does she want me to do? Take her back with another man’s kids? What if I had really gone over the rail when she left me? Would she have come back if I had not made it?

I am surprised, shocked and sick of her request. My children don’t even want to hear of her. They don’t even know her aside the pictures they saw and we all reside in Lagos.

She equally lost her father few days ago, her mother who felt she could take her own decisions then called that she also wanted to see me.

THE EX WIFE’S SIDE

I read with a heavy heart the story published. Although I am an avid reader of this column, but I didn’t know why I missed this one and a close family friend, who knew the story of my life called my attention to it. It is a confirmation of the Yoruba saying “Oloro, abeti didi.” Taiwo, this story I believe is mine. It is all about my former husband and I.

I commend his bravery, because he didn’t bother to change or conceal our identities. I am very sure he meant well by doing this.

It is very true that I left Adekunle while the going got tough for him. It is also true that I came back to ask him to forgive me.

I also liked the way he threw the whole story open to the people’s parliament. I don’t mean that he wanted your readers to judge me. I also know that people out there who have read his own side of the story would love to read my own side and if at the end of it, I am found guilty which I know to a large extent I am, people can help me plead with him to forgive me.

There is no point repeating how we met as he has said it all and he did not lie when he said that he took care of the home front. Adekunle did and he never allowed us to lack anything. No doubt, sometimes even without his knowledge, I contributed to the family upkeep, but my contribution then was very minimal.

When I got a job with a Non-Governmental Organisation (NGO), my salary was far better than his, yet, he never allowed me spend my money. In fact, he bought a new car for me to celebrate the birth of our second child. He forgot to tell you this.

When he lost his job, nothing stopped me from being the pillar he had always been to me and our children, but Adekunle was proud. He still insisted on carrying on with his responsibilities, believing God that he would get another job. It was also during this time that his father took ill.

I really did not know what happened but my mother called me one afternoon and asked that I see her on my way from the office and I did. She told me when I got to our house that my mother-in-law; (Adekunle’s mother), came to see her the previous day and her mission was to ask my mother to plead with me to stop making use of Adekunle’s glory.

I learnt she told my mother that as I was moving forward, Adekunle’s fortunes were dwindling. His mother accused my family of being diabolical and that they were transferring Adekunle’s glory for my use.
I was shocked when I heard this, because I felt my mother-in-law and I were too close. I wanted to believe that if she had anything to say, she should have raised it with me. For her to have accused my family and I of being diabolical was the height of it.

Since I knew Adekunle, we had our first quarrel when I got home that night. He could accuse me of being quarelsome, but he refused to state the reason. I became quarrelsome, no doubt, because I told him what my mother told me, and I asked for an explanation.

He could not say anything. I asked that he spoke with his mother and let her know how I felt about her accusation, but he did nothing. After two weeks, I went to see my mother-in-law to speak with her. I never went to see her with the intentions of quarreling, but she raised hell and almost beat me up. The situation at that time became so bad that my mother and mother-in-law were not seeing eye-to-eye.

As if it wasn’t enough, I got promoted at work when all these were going on. Adekunle, who had been neutral all along, then joined.

I became very sad and what was happening at home started to affect my job which eventually made me get close to Niran (not his real name) a colleague of mine at work.

I have to correct the impression that Niran encouraged me to leave my husband’s house. I left when I could no longer take the heat. I didn’t leave my children intentionally, but Adekunle did not state the whole truth when he said the children were staying with us. He had taken the children to live with his mother without my consent and on this particular day, he coincidentally, brought them home, because he wanted to pack more of their stuffs to his mother’s house.

My relationship with Niran and what happened between us had no bearing with my coming back to Adekunle. It is true that he did not re-marry, neither did I, but he also had relationships that I knew of. I have always loved him and I still do. I felt we both have made our mistakes and we could make things work if he could find a place in his heart to forgive me.

No mother in her right- thinking senses would abandon her children. I made several attempts to see my children, but my mother-in-law would not allow me. She kept changing their schools; my sister-in-law could attest to this fact.

As I stated earlier, I did not write you to trade ‘blames’ I want to be with him again. I desire that he forgives me if he could. I have two other children who cannot or can never become liabilities to him. My situation is not as bad as he painted it. Yes, I am out of job, but I have a thriving business I am into.

If he can, he should forgive me and have me back, that is all I ask for.
Adun.