NOTHING TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT

Dear Taiwo,

I give you kudos for what the Lord is using you to do in people’s lives. I have been out of the country for over eight years and I came back recently and met a friend of mine who had her problem solved through this column.

Although, our problems might not be the same, I will plead with you to help publish my story so that I can also get help. This would also act as an avenue for me to unburden my guilt. I need a listening ear, but I do not have the guts to come out and tell anybody the truth about what I did some 14 years ago.

It was something that brought me so much joy and relief, but at the expense of my peace of mind, I need to purge my heart of this guilt. I shouldn’t preempt your readers’ reaction. Most of them would think I am the most mean woman on earth, I wouldn’t mind, whatever their responses and reactions are because I have thought of worst things about myself.

Fate indeed, can be cruel, I plead that I should be judged in context and anyone in my shoes could have done what I did. As a young girl who married the only, and the first love of her life as a virgin, my expectation as a young wife was high.

Like every other woman, I believed that I would have no problems in bringing the fruits of my marriage to the world, especially because there was no history of barrenness in my family or of my husband’s.

My mother of blessed memory knew I married as a virgin, she was the first who started asking God the first series of questions. My husband too was also worried because according to him, I gave him the most valued gift he has ever had — my virginity on our wedding night. So why would the devil play a very expensive trick on us and our happiness?

We believe in the Lord and prayed hard. I knew God would visit me at His own time. Although, at times my faith was shaken, but I never had the intentions of leaving His presence or doing otherwise. Moreso, after all the tests my husband and I ran showed that we both could give birth to children without problems.

This, however, wasn’t the impression of my mother-in-law. Maybe I could understand her from the premise she came from. My husband, is her first child and her only son.

Of course, every mother, would be eager to see the fruit of such a child, but she wasn’t patient enough or maybe I should say she did not do a thorough home work to find out who really had a problem between the two of us. If she did, probably, she would have been able to uncover my husband’s deceit and help to look for a solution, instead of pushing me into the hands of another man which has led me to a situation where I have to carry this burden on my thin shoulder till now.

My husband and I were married for 10 years before I fell into this temptation. These 10 years were the most difficult years of my life. My mother-in-law started asking questions about a year after our marriage, but we continually pacify her to be patient. When the first year ran into the second, and until the fifth year when his other siblings who got married after us began to have children, she became troublesome.

She was coming to the house to call me different names. At a time, she insisted that my husband should take another wife if I was incapable of giving her the desired grand children. My husband’s refusal infuriated her, and she concluded that I must have charmed him. Then, I believed that my husband’s refusal was as a result of the love he had for me, I never knew it was because if he had done so then, he still wouldn’t have been asked to have children, a fact that I stumbled on few years ago after several years of marriage.

My journey into the abyss of “don’t talk-about- it” started on a fateful evening when I returned home from work and met my mother-in-law at home. The moment I saw her, I knew peace had been murdered. I greeted her cheerfully, but she returned my greetings with every terrible curse you couldn’t think of. She asked me to move out of her son’s house or die.
Dear Taiwo,
In a situation like this, I definitely would have looked up to him for support, but that I have not been able to get from him because he had become a drunk. He would beat me at every opportunity and to crown it all, he would also accuse me of not being able to have children, despite the fact that he knew that he was the reason for our childlessness.

But I tried to be calm, but she wouldn’t let me be. She provoked me to the level that I told her that I was not God and that He would give me children at His own time. She did not hesitate to tell my husband, when he came from the office that I was rude to her.

Without finding out what happened, my husband pounced on me and beat me. My mother had died few years before this time, and my other siblings had asked that I quit the marriage, but I refused. It was a situation of being alone in the whole world, but I kept holding on to God’s promise that there won’t be anyone barren in His land.

I went to work the following day because I was expecting an important client. I tried to look cheerful, but all my make-up couldn’t cover my bitterness.

My client came in promptly at 9 a.m and his first comment shocked me. He wanted to know why I looked that way and said I should have informed him before coming that I wasn’t okay. I tried to pretend all was well, but I couldn’t manage it.

I broke down and wept in his presence. He was a kind man who encouraged me to talk. I told him all I was going through; I couldn’t hold back all I had bottled up inside me except the fact that my husband was the root cause, because as of then, I didn’t know. One thing led to another, and before I knew it, I had started dating him.

He was a businessman who travelled out of the country a lot of times. A happily married man with three children, but he made me happy. I couldn’t help finding solace and peace in his arms.

Two months into my affairs with him, I became pregnant. Initially, I never knew I was pregnant; it was strange, (10 years after I was deflowered) I had no symptoms of the first trimester. I discovered I was pregnant when the pregnancy was over 12 weeks; probably, I would have thought of doing something silly because of the shock; but my husband was right there when the doctor gave me the news of my pregnancy. I didn’t know what to make of it.

All along, I never knew he could not father children. It was the miracle we have been waiting for. Every one who heard was happy for me. My husband became a changed man, my mother-in-law started treating me like her own daughter. But I was afraid; I was not comfortable. My “friend” was away on business trip and I called him to inform him. He said I should keep my peace, that he was sure the pregnancy was his, but that he wouldn’t trouble me.

I had a baby boy; my apprehension almost ran me into trouble just before I gave birth to the boy. I was worried, what if the baby looked like someone else. God however, was magnanimous as my son was my exact carbon copy. Every one rejoiced at his birth and peace returned to my home.

My friend came back from overseas business trip when my son was about four months. We had sex again and to my surprise, it led to another pregnancy, which brought forth another boy. I was, however, convinced without doubt that both of them were his.

You won’t believe that I had to take a DNA test to confirm and my suspicion was confirmed. When I told (their father), his response was that he had no intention of disrupting his home and mine and that I could keep my children, but that he would love to be part of their lives. Since then, he pays their fees and carries out every fatherly responsibility. In fact, he facilitated my whole family’s relocation to the US.

We normally visited home and it was during one of my trips home without my husband that I discovered the secret he had kept from me for more than a decade. I was looking for some documents when I stumbled on a medical report which confirmed that he cannot father children; I was shocked, but I had no guts to confront him with this fact when I returned to the US because of my own secret too.

I told the father of my children about my findings. He advised that I keep quiet and not disturb the delicate peace in my home. We have ceased to have any intimate relationship, but we remained friends.

Aside caring for his children he has been really good. His children have his kind heart. I don’t know what to do. This guilt is killing me. I couldn’t even tell my friend who advised that I should tell you.

Moreso, my husband knows that he cannot father children, yet he is not asking me questions.

Please, Monica Taiwo, what do I do with this burden in my heart? Help! please.

Anonymous.