CAN ANYONE RELATE?

Dear Taiwo,
SIX months ago, I was a single lady seriously searching for Mr Right. I was living a solitary life until something happened to turn my life around. What I am not sure of is whether the turning around would be for better for worse.

I am a 43-year-old lady who had a rather eventful life and over the years, I have come to the conclusion that life may not be fair, if God’s favour is upon one’s life.

I was born and raised by a single mother, and till this date, I cannot say who my father is or what happened to him. My mother told me he died during the civil war after I was concieved, and because they were not married, my father’s family refused to accept my mother with my pregnancy.

As years rolled by, I began to doubt my mother’s story for two reasons. One, she couldn’t point out my father’s family. Two, she has so many men in her life, the number I cannot count. She even encouraged my sister to date a married man.

There was no love lost between my mother and her family. She was the proverbial black sheep of the family. She and my sister were the only family I had until she died mysteriously when I was in secondary school. Of course, none of my maternal family members wanted to have anything to do with us. It was Aunty Caro, a close friend of my mother, who came to our rescue. We had to go and live with her in Calabar.

Aunty Caro had a provision store somewhere in Calabar, and like my mother, she was a single mother, with a son who lived with his father and came home once in a while to see his mother. Aunty Caro was an affable fellow who would go to any length to keep her fellow human being, but she was always falling ill . Whenever she was too weak to go about her business, my sister and I would manage her store. The implication of this was that we grew up too fast and we were exposed to wordly vices earlier than we were supposed to. Aunty Caro’s gentle nature also did not help matters, this really made us grow up with very wild adults. I dated quite a number of boys in my school and one or two Igbo guys who had shops in the same market where our aunt’s shop was, and that was where I met Samien.

He used to sell clothes in the same market. I was so infatuated with him that I believed him when he said he loved me and would marry me. I eloped with him to Onitsha where he decided to re-establish his business after leaving Calabar. You can guess what happened to me when I got to Onitsha, within weeks of staying there, it was obvious that Samien only intended to use and dump me.

One night, he told me it was over between us and he threw me out. One of our neighbours accommodated me for few days before I was able to find my feet in Onitsha.

I was able to get a job as a sales girl in a supermarket and squatted with a colleague, Chinwe. Chinwe was also full of stories about Lagos. She had an elder brother in Lagos whom she had been opportune to visit several times. She told me so much about Lagos that I began to yearn to visit the no man’s land and also the means to get there was not available.

The opportunity came when Chinwe’s brother asked her to come over and she felt it would be nice if we could go together. I didn’t even think twice before I followed her. And before I knew it, I became a Lagosian and this marked, the beginning of another episode of my life. On getting to Lagos, I enrolled at a catering and hotel management school courtesy Chinwe’s brother and after graduating I started a small catering business.

Life in Lagos wasn’t easy especially when it came to relationships. After the kind of life I lived in Calabar and the experience I went through in Onitsha, I became wise in my dealings with men, but it didn’t stop me from being used and dumped. That has been one major battle I have fought in my life, it was as if my life was marked for doom in the area of marriage. It seemed all men wanted from me was quick sex and nothing more.

In an attempt to find a lasting solution to this problem, a friend of mine took me to a pastor for prayers. It was during prayers that it was revealed that I had a water spirit which gave me an aura was repelling men. The pastor advised that I should go through a spiritual deliverance, and I did. After the deliverance, everything seemed okay. I met Clement, a businessman who appeared to be genuinely interested in me. We dated for about a year and we fixed our wedding date. I was glad that things were finally going to be okay and my dreams of settling down in my home with a man I loved were finally coming true. But unfortunately, a week to my wedding, Clement disappeared and I later heard that he had married another woman.

Devastated, I went back to the pastor, and after a long interrogation and mind search, I realised where I went wrong. The pastor said I shouldn’t have had sex with Clement before marriage, but I did. Sex with him was like breaking an edge and the water spirit dealt with me through that. I really did not know what got into me, I had kept to the pastor’s advice, I didn’t have sex with Clement all along, but I succumbed to his pressure two days before the day he left me, which was about a week to our wedding.

Having learnt my lesson, I resolved within myself I would not have sex with the next man who comes my way until we get married. This resolve, however, marked the beginning of another phase in my life.

I met some men, who wanted sex but I refused. I continued that way until eventually, men stopped asking me out. At a level, I became confused, obviously, I didn’t like the idea of being used and dumped by men and at the same time the fact that men stopped asking me out became scary, because I wasn’t getting any younger, and when I thought I was through with men, just six months ago, Biodun came into my life and it was a big break after a long period. He was an answer to my prayers. We were matchmade, Bayo resided in London, and he had also experienced some forms of troubles with the opposite sex. He was careful and that was why he mandated his sister here in Nigeria to help him out. His elder sister was a member of my church, she told me about Bayo and I agreed to give him a trial. I told my pastor about the whole issue, he prayed with me and said God did not reveal anything either negative or positive to him. He, however, advised me to keep an open mind and be prayerful.

The first time I spoke with Bayo on phone, my heart immediately went out to him. We related as if we had both met earlier and we had many things in common. When Bayo came to Nigeria two months after we spoke on phone, I must confess that I was not disappointed with what I saw. He was exactly what I dreamt of. He made me very happy and his family members were nice to me. My problem with him started when he was about to leave for London. He asked to have sex with me and I refused, although he did not force me or pressurise me, but I knew something changed.

He has since returned to London. He has called me several times. We chat, but I am not comfortable whenever he speaks with me on phone. I can feel his anger and disappointment. He has also become jealous. When he calls and he hears a male voice in the background, most of the time when I am in my shop he becomes angry.

I am really not happy about the way things are between me and Bayo. I have grown to like him and I hoped our relationship would lead to a positive end. I am no longer young neither is Bayo. We are agemates.

Sometimes, I wonder if I should have given in to his demand for sex. Well, I would have lost him. My refusal is not making things easier either.

I have prayed about Bayo like my pastor advised, and I also depended on experience to hold on to him, but all the time, I have this feeling that I am losing out, and I don’t know what to do.

Bayo is coming home for Christmas. He has not spoken with me or asked me to marry him. The only thing close to that was when he said he would love to meet my family. Fortunately, through the help of my pastor, I have been able to reconcile with Aunty Caro and my sister and they are also looking forward to seeing him.

The last time we spoke, he told me he would not take no for an answer. He has not proposed marriage. Should I risk it? Should sex come before marriage? I am really confused, please, help me.