WTF AFRICA -I HATE MY MOTHER

My mother ruined my life; I hate her!

Dear Taiwo,
I am depressed at and I need your help to get out of the present situation I am in. I have learnt a great deal from your column and I know you can help me.

If my mother gets an opportunity to read this story, I am sure she will feel very bad because she went through a lot because of me and to her, all she is doing right now is helping me out of my present situation and she would feel I do not appreciate her efforts.

But this is not the issue at hand because I have to go on with my life. After all, she caused the whole problem from the beginning; so, I cannot see any justification for her to be so annoyed, but I am sure she will: I am using this medium to also ask for her forgiveness.

I am the only female child of my parents and perhaps, one could say that was why we are so close. I was not a lazy brat despite our closeness. I did not depend sorely on my mother for finances. I was quite dexterous and, thank God, I got on so well in my business.

You might want to know my background. Let me reiterate the fact that I am the only female child of my parents and the first; with five younger ones. We were not born with a silver spoon, but, at least, we never lacked anything and we were comfortable.

As the eldest, I didn’t have the opportunity of going to school; I opted for business, but I made sure my younger brothers got some education, the least being secondary school education.

Things started taking a downturn in my life when I met my husband, a relationship my mother never liked from the onset.

I was very close to my mother, but I knew her flaws and I decided to take only the advice that I deemed useful; but despite this, I couldn’t take charge of things; my mother almost sent Dele packing from my life at the initial stage of our relationship.

At first, I was overwhelmed by my mother’s reaction, how she had her hackles up the first time I brought Dele home. When he left on this fateful day, the first thing my mother complained about was his stature.

I think I should describe Dele, so that you can get a better picture of him. Dele was a stout man and not really appealing. But since I was not after his beauty, I gave a little thought to my mother’s lurid expression. After all, I am the one marrying him not my mother.

PART II

My mother ruined my life; I hate her!(2)

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Thursday, 10 May 2012
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Dear Taiwo,
Taiwo, at this stage, I think I should be sincere with you. What attracted Dele to me was his wealth. He was a banker and one of the topmost managers at that and it was by sheer luck that I met a guy like him.

It is not as if I am bad looking, but our class difference was glaring.

Notwithstanding, he came to me and I decided to go for him and mind you, Dele was not stingy. He was ready to lavish his money on me to any extent, but the problem was that, the day he came to my house, I decided not to reveal his identity to my mother; she had always wanted a very rich man for me.

Eventually, my mother got to know everything about Dele and his wealth and since this awareness, she insisted I must marry him.

Taiwo, you can’t believe how people can change in such a short period! My mother became exceptionally kind to Dele and anytime he came around, she would even cook the best dish for him.

To these gestures, Dele was apt to reciprocate. He showered my mother with gifts of different sorts and the whole story drastically changed to a good one.

Soon, Dele proposed and before we knew it, wedding bells were ringing. We fixed the wedding date and it was wonderful.

I must confess that I didn’t marry Dele because I loved him, I did because of his wealth, pressure from friends that I shouldn’t let this big fish escape and finally from my mother.

I was so sure that everything was going to be alright; Dele being one of the top managers would not in any way run short of money and this was what I was after.

One important thing I dare not leave out was the fact that Dele left his former girlfriend for me. He told me this only later and I wasn’t disturbed as long as there was money and I didn’t know her.

Our wedding ceremony was elaborate and was the talk of the town. Every nooks and crannies of the town was agog with the news of our wedding. It was the most memorable day of my life.

In fact, it was worth the memory because my wedding gown was specially sewn and brought in from overseas. Every of my friends were envious of me. My joy that day knew no bounds and I guessed that was also the last time I ever laughed from the deepest part of me.

After the wedding ceremony, we settled down and I had to learn how to cope with my marital life which I didn’t find easy at all. Because of my closeness to my mother, I was always going home to report everything Dele did to her and she would in turn advise me.

Sometimes, I found myself reacting to Dele based on my mother’s advice and before I knew it, my marriage was crumbling before my eyes.

It also came to a point that my mother was misbehaving and even insulting him whenever she came to visit us. I tried to stop this, but all my mother did was to make me realise that I should not take things cool with any man. She was right behind me even when I knew that I was wrong.

My mother became a regular visitor in my home. And at this time, I was ready to comply with whatever my mother said. She became more or less, the mistress of my home, always dictating to my husband and I.

The birth of our baby boy, Seye, was the straw that broke the camel’s back. My mother had all the excuses to be in our house. She was up and doing and anytime my husband tried to complain, she would rain abuses on him.

I heard her saying,” Do you think you are right for my daughter? Of all the men, you should count yourself lucky that you are my daughter’s choice.”

Taiwo, I wasn’t so pleased with this statement knowing how Dele had stood for us when things were not going on well; also, knowing he left his former fiancee for me, but I couldn’t just reason the other way round. I joined my mother and rained abuses on him.

Dele was so disturbed by these happenings that he kept away from the house for almost a month. When he came back, he refused to interact with anyone not even the little baby.

During his absence, my mother took me to a herbalist and introduced me as her daughter who had been having marital problems and that was when I knew that my mother had been patronising a herbalist so as to gain control of situations in our home. According to her, she would not fold her arms and watch her only daughter suffer in the hand of a cruel man.

I was so confused about what to do and so, I had no choice but to carry on with my mother’s wish; after all, I never loved Dele, but still, I had his child.

When Dele absconded from home, my mother and I went to report him to his family and there, we raved and ranted to the extent that Dele’s mother burst into tears. She pleaded with us to take things easy, but my mother only told her that things would not get better until Dele changed for the better.

But what was Dele’s offence actually? Taiwo, whenever I sit down to consider some of the things he did, I always found it absurd that I actually overreacted.

Anyway, Dele came back home and took a drastic step. As I said, he maintained a total silence and kept away from us. He would stay back late in the office and whenever I raised an eyebrow, he would not say a word.

Things got so bad that I couldn’t cope with it any longer. Then one day, the big shock came. Dele brought home divorce papers and asked me to sign them. I was shocked to the marrow and I became more confused.

I could remember that, our marriage was exactly a year when things really began to fall apart. I pleaded with him for a second chance, but he wouldn’t budge.

We have pushed him to the wall and it was then that I could see the reality of what I had been doing. When I told my mother, she ran to her herbalist but nothing came out of it all (I guess when a game is over, it is over).

Dele sent me packing from his house and now I am back to square one, my mother’s den. I am so ashamed and confused and I regret ever joining my mother in her evil plot.

Please, Taiwo, what should I do? The more I see my mother everyday, the more I hate her, but she seems in control of every part of my life. Please, help me. I need your advice.

Gbemisola, Lagos.