DUTCH PAT LICK DUNG

A whop to his left ear with a hot Dutch pot cover, followed by a silent count to 10, and then a clobber with a soup bowl.

Her husband had smacked her in the face during an argument over food — specifically, his fists had joined his voice in demanding to know when the dinner would be ready — and she retaliated, just as she’d told him she would 10 years before, by striking back.

It was on about their third date that 38-year-old Michelle said she and her then boyfriend had the beating talk. They were watching a movie on Lifetime when he made the comment that only cowards hit women.

 

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“I countered with: ‘well any man who hits me knows he’d better not sleep’,” she told All Woman. “The hot-oil-in-the-ear discussion followed soon after.”

She said after that discussion, she was surprised when 10 years into their marriage, he decided to strike in anger. The woman, who has been married since 1996, said her first instinct was to do as her grandmother had instructed decades before, and strike back.

“Actually, her instructions were: pour hot oil in his ear while he’s sleeping,” Michelle said. “But in this instance, the pot cover was closer.”

She said since that one incident, the marriage has been violence free, as she believes her husband has “learnt his lesson”.

Everyone has a limit. This is no different for women who find themselves being abused. And while some suffer in silence, hiding behind dark glasses and incredible stories, others retaliate.

Retaliation may come in the form of actually physically fighting back, or having a friend or family member do the fighting for her.

Experts have noted that women who commit violent offences are more likely than men to do so with someone very close to them, like a lover, and it is often the case of ‘victim precipitation’ — where the victim provoked the attacker.

This was depicted in a 2002 film Enough with Jennifer Lopez playing a wife who, fed up with her husband’s abuse, perfects the art of self-defence, eventually corralling and killing him.

She had had enough.

Last week, commenting on a video which went viral showing a young girl being beaten by her boyfriend because she broke his necklace; and on the reactions of the persons taping and watching, who suggested that the woman deserved the beating, psychologist Dr Leachim Semaj said that there are women who will not allow men to even lift their hand the first time around to hit them because whether directly or indirectly, they make it clear that they won’t stand for it.

This, he said, was the ultimate thing that keeps domestic violence in check.

“When a woman makes it clear to the man that ‘you can hit me but it’s the last time you’re going to hit anybody’, they tell men that, and the men know that, and those women don’t get hit,” said Dr Semaj.

He said when this is laid down in the initial stages of the relationship the man will not take the chance with the woman because he knows there is a penalty for it.

Mary Lynch, a once prominent St Andrew housewife who single-handedly hacked her 54-year-old husband Leary to death in 1992, had cried domestic abuse in defence of her actions.

In court she revealed that it was the systematic abuse, and an act of self-defence, which led to the crime – evidence from the trial revealed that Mr Lynch was chopped 25 times, some inflicted before death.

“The first lick mi get mi gone,” 25-year-old Stacy-Ann Bent told All Woman when asked about tolerating domestic abuse. “Even if I don’t get the lick but him raise him hand and threaten mi, mi gone!”

She said if it was a case where he begins to beat her before she could leave, she would fight back.

“If I can’t manage him then I would get someone to beat him,” she added.

Stacy Cole, who has been married for four years, shared similar views.

“As him start mi kill him!” she said passionately. “I love my husband to death and if him put him hand on me I am not saying anything. I will just allow him to go to sleep…

“I am not going to say a man can’t beat me, but it’s what will happen after,” Cole added.

Alecia Morgan, who has been in a relationship for two years, said she would cautiously give him a second chance.

“The first time might be a push or so, and so I would make it clear that if he ever does it again I would hurt him,” Morgan said. “But if he does it the second time I would hit him down!” she said. “Even if it’s to hit him and run. But more than likely from the first time he does it, you would be planning what you’re going to do if he ever tries that again. So this time I would be well prepared, and when he thinks there’s peace and safety, it’s sudden destruction. I would lick him down flat!”

8 ways to tell he will be abusive

IT is never easy to tell from the onset of a relationship that the soft, gentle, caring man you fall in love with will become someone who feels that a woman should be subdued through a whipping, but there are signs to look out for that will indicate that he’s indeed suspect.

Here are a few:

* He hit his ex. He admits to hitting his former girlfriend ‘once’ but says he knows he will never do it to you since you are nothing like his ex. Of course he would hit you too! The moment you do something that he is not pleased with, will guarantee you the same treatment that he gave to his ex. Chances are he told her the same thing when they were starting out.

* He drinks heavily to the point where he cannot control himself. He will be abusive with the excuse that ‘the alcohol made me do it!’

* He is jealous and controlling. This may be flattering at first, but will be a curse later on as this jealousy can lead to control and even an obsession. At this point his controlling nature will lash out when words fail to control you.

* He grew up in an abusive home and thinks it’s normal. If in conversations he told of abuse in his family while giving the impression that it’s normal, while also admitting that he has never been counselled, more than likely he will be an abuser as he knows no other way of resolving conflicts.

* There’s past child abuse. While this is not always a given, if he was abused as a child he may begin to relive the experience with you and/or the children being on the receiving end.

* He’s short-tempered. Men who are extremely short-tempered and easily angered are not able to deal with frustration and often find it easier to lash out physically than to resolve issues verbally.

* He’s cruel to animals. If he abuses and mistreats pets, or gets great enjoyment from seeing their pain, more than likely he will get satisfaction from seeing you being hurt.

* He has low self-esteem. A man with low self-esteem and who is insecure about his own masculinity will seek to convince himself that he is ‘the man’ by exercising his physical strength on his weaker partner. This gives him the feeling that he is still in control of things.