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LUK ERE NUH

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Dear Abiola,

My man keeps calling me a “nigger bitch” during sex and I hate it.

I have been married for a year and I am at my wit’s end. My investment banker husband is from a White old money family. I am a first generation Black-American woman whose family is from the island of Jamaica. We met at a reunion for the ivy league school we both attended, and he proposed in six months.

We have the picture perfect fantasy life. He wines and dines me and we travel and shop the globe. Unlike all of the Black men I dated in the past, my husband is generous, loyal, committed and considerate. He courted me and I never have to pay for anything. He said I could quit my job and I did. He makes me feel like a woman.

I am a little embarrassed to share our problem. The first time he let the n-word drop was during sex on our honeymoon. When I reacted negatively, he explained that a Black woman he dated in the past enjoyed being called racial slurs. Another time he joked that he had purchased my freedom. He also speculated about whether his family could have owned mine because I have “good hair.” Then he made jokes about my pubic hair. He called it my “negro bush” and referred to himself as a “nigger lover.” He says I am being overly sensitive because he loves me to death and should get a “Black pass” for marrying me.

I told him that I don’t appreciate these comments and he says that my friends and family probably use the n-word all the time. He also asked why Black people can use the word and he cannot. I don’t use the word or believe in the nigga/nigger differentiation. Neither does my family. I am too embarrassed to tell anyone about this because I know they might say: “That’s what she gets for marrying a White man.”

Every time we try having sex again, the slurs fly. Our sex life is pretty much over right now because I pretend to be asleep every time my sexy, handsome man wants to be with me. I feel completely turned off. I love my husband deeply so please don’t tell me to leave him because that’s not what I want to do.

My husband was my first interracial relationship. Please tell me racial slurs aren’t normal between interracial couples? I would like to figure this out before we have kids but I can’t afford to leave him and still maintain my lifestyle.

How can I regain my sexual attraction for my husband?

Signed,

Black and Proud

My Dearest B.A.P.,

There is nothing about this situation that is okay. Of course you’re turned off. The biggest sex organ for us as women is between our ears. Unlike men, if we’re turned off outside the bedroom we will usually be turned off in the boudoir as well.

So, you’re worried about maintaining your lifestyle?! Sis, let’s talk about maintaining your sense of self.

First of all, you are not being overly sensitive and it is condescending for your husband to say that while he’s calling you racist names. There is nothing normal about being called out of your name in any relationship.

Second of all, queen, your husband needs a history lesson and you need counseling. His comments are verbally abusive and emotionally harmful. I agree that this issue needs to be addressed before you bring children into the picture.

There are no “Black passes.” When our White friends ask why they can’t use the n-word, I always wonder why they would even want to. Even though your husband’s ”last Black girlfriend loved it,” he should respect your choices. Black people are not a monolith. In addition, no one should ever compare a partner to an ex.

This man is betraying you and you are not honoring yourself. This is not a judgment of his ex-girlfriend. Anything that two consenting adults agree to sexually is their business. Bold African-American sex educator Mollena Williams, who describes herself as “the perverted negress” and a “slave” on her Twitter page, is an expert on “race play.” She teaches that “for those who are drawn to explore deeper and deeper crevasses of our psyche, the desire to explore that taboo can be compelling.” However, this is not what you signed up for or something you sound even remotely interested in.

Your husband’s behavior and your acceptance of it have eroded the intimacy between you. The foundation of love is trust and a feeling of security. There is no way to feel safe while being reminded of the subjugation of your ancestors during vulnerable moments when you have clearly asked him to stop. The fact that you have expressed your dislike and that your husband persists is hateful and troubling.

Don’t let his hate speech drown out your inner wisdom. I understand that you feel ashamed but keeping this secret is only deepening your trauma. Confide in someone. Shine a healing light on this situation so that you are not isolated and feeling trapped and alone.

Reality check: I know that you don’t want to leave your husband. It’s a beautiful thing that you are taking your vows seriously. He, however, is not. He is not loving, honoring nor cherishing you. If traveling the globe playing “Real Housewife of the Big House” while he drops n-bombs is not your idea of fun then you need to ask yourself some serious questions.

Your sex life will not improve unless your man changes his behavior and you feel heard. So, can his behavior be changed? Write this down: The only man you can change is one wearing diapers. Abusers have to want to change themselves. Hubbie has to first realize the depths of what he is doing wrong. It doesn’t sound like he does.

In addition, you may want to examine your own racial attitudes. I am sorry that you had challenging experiences with your previous partners. However, when we lump all Black men together as cheap or disloyal we may as well be calling them the n-word ourselves.

If you stay with your man for money while he is speaking down to you, then I’m afraid you have personally sold yourself at an auction to the highest bidder. It’s time for a self-esteem check, doll face. You deserve better. Counseling will give you tools to determine your relationship’s future. For your friends and family, the problem is not that you are in an interracial relationship. The issue is that your husband is a cold and classless bigot, bully and boor. Jerks come in all colors.

Passionately yours,

Abiola
http://www.essence.com/2013/04/08/intimacy-intervention-my-husband-uses-racial-slurs-during-sex

18 Responses to LUK ERE NUH

  • Anonymous says:

    What people will do for money….sorry to say but ur hubby is a real racist

  • Welll says:

    I don’t think he’s racist towards you because he could have married another person. I don’t understand though why he just won’t stop since he knows it bothers you. Maybe you guys should try counseling.

  • Little Willie says:

    WOW…… I don’t think he is racist, but his insensitivity and lack of respect is boundless.
    This is what the bloggers here discuss every day. LACK of SELF WORTH.
    I hope him box down yu claat and beat out yu bumbo daily, suh yu can siddung with yu frenz a talk bout yu travel and shop extensively. Eeeeediat gyal, yu “good hair” nuh frighten white people. Educated fool.

  • Dee says:

    She needs to flip the script in the bedroom and say “oooh yes…you raw smelling.. pink small d*ck m*th^r#uck^r….and see how much he likes it.

  • MURASAKI says:

    someone can still be racist and have sex or a relationship with a black person. I find his comments to be racist and according to lil Miss he basically says that he bought her…

  • Anonymous says:

    Now we know why a lot of white men who marry black women refuse to have children by them. I guess they do not want any nigga child.

  • IKR says:

    I really couldn’t do it. I have white men who hit pon mi and mi nuh badda wid dem. I don’t wanna b another notch unda no baddy belt.. Cho

  • Foxy Lady says:

    He’s a racist. I’ve dated white men who liked and were attracted to me but who did not like black people. The moment that was shown, I made my exit. He does not respect her as a wife, if he did he would not call her those despicable terms knowing how she feels and the underlying root of those words. When you are married to a white man who respects you, he also respects the struggles of your people. Telling her his family could have owned her is not dirty talk during sex, it’s belittling.
    She needs to get a damn job with her ivy league education and leave his ass but before doing so, she needs to tell him about how much she’s turned on by the brother’s big black dick. And if he’s not well endowed, she should consistently wave the little finger in his face and in front of his friends.
    She would never accept a black man treating her like filth as she clearly highlighted this in the beginning of her letter, yet she allows this white man to treat her like scum.
    It’s called pride baby girl and if a man cannot respect you and watch his mouth for fear of hurting you and belittling you, then you simply lack pride. You don’t need a public intervention to tell you to pick your pride up off the floor and cut.

  • PhantomPhoenix says:

    LOL…this chic is a “dumb nigger bitch”! That’s right I said it…she’s a licky, licky, frighten, nigger bitch. Likkle Willie you’re on POINT!

    Man a racist… he’s just a modern day Massa who a fuk off him submissive black woman in this case “dumb, frighten fi har color nigga bitch” and should be treated as such for when she “shop the globe” she need fi shop and purchase some rass DIGNITY! Bitch use her complexion and ‘good hair’ fi get a white pass instead she got a man attached to the past…him fi piss pon har and bring in a white oman fi beat har. lolollllllllllllllll

  • Foxy Lady says:

    Phoenix you have no reverence fi di Sunday but I can’t blame you one bit :2thumbup

  • PhantomPhoenix says:

    Hey FoxyL…bad humans must be treated accordinly, regardless of of the day…lol

    I’ve dated white males as well and I’ve never had one call me anything but “bad ass Jamaican” or “devilish bitch” when me ready fi cut. lolol And they have always been anti-establishment.

    This opening of the “dear” letta reeks of an elite attitude and that of a plain ole bitch.

    Happy rice and peas to yu….lololollll

  • My point of view is he`s a racist and I believe he dates and married a Black woman because doing this is a turn on to him. As one of the comments previous to me suggested; when next your intimate scream f*uck me CRACKER, give it to me HONKY and any of the other degrading things white people are described as. I am happily married to a black Jamaican man and NEVER has that word entered my mind to call him………at NO time!

  • Observer says:

    Simple solution…FLIP THE SCRIPT or DIVORCE!! HE IS A RACIST. Why date someone of another nationality if you’re gonna use racial slurs at them smh. My husband is Dominican and I dare him…then again I married a man not a boy :)

  • raina says:

    This isnt ok.Something about this tells me he married or dadted a black woman because something about the black woman and subjecting her ro slurs makes him feel more powerfull. He’s insecure crazy, and whether he believes it or not racist. Something innate tells him he is better than, and thats what he’s looking for. Some deep isues somewhere. So this bullshit argument that he isnt racist cauz he could have chosen someone else is crazy and ignorant in my view. Zero justification, he is wrong.

  • kgn13 says:

    ONE YEAR AND YOU AT YOU WITS END AREADY! THATS NOT THE ONLY THING HIM A DO WHA U NO LIKE,…..FROM YOU SAY OLD MONEY ,YOU KNEW THE DEAL BEFORE YOU EVEN GO DEH….SHOULD HE SAY TO YOU ,U CAN LEAVE IF YOUR UNCOMFORTABLE.WOULD YOU.

  • Brightlight says:

    This is a typical uptown bitch attitude. They love to seperate themselves from black people until a white person give it to dem rass!

    I think what he’s doingto her is a small price to pay for the lifestyle he provides her that she obviously loves. She deserves every racially vulgar name he calls her. I’m sure she didn’t start f000 him after dem married. She knew so deal wid it!

    No white man can touch me no damn day. I’ve also got that back handed compliment from them about “you’re not like typical black woman”, f000 outta here! Nasty smell like bloodclaat dog when dem wet cyaa clean meat right having sweaty as f000 never betta than my naturally good smelling all when dem sweaty black man. f000 outta here! No white man can leave him nasty scent in my p—- or weaken the strength of mi future offspring. An I don’t want no pale ass children wid dem vein a show tru dem skin. GET!

  • kgn13 says:

    same so brightie. she have two choice,crying in the back of a bentley, r happy in the back of a taxi.

  • talkthetruth says:

    Mad bc gyal, u no ave no sense. D man all ah tell u seh him family could buy u an u still stick wid him. Him jus ave u like 1 big poppy show but ah dat u deserve an fi get. Go learn sense and find u pride :marah

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