I HATE MY LIFE-GOODMORNING

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I Hate My Life – The Feeling of Rejection
I woke up on the bathroom floor again. All my friends had to leave because they couldn’t get in and I was alone again. “I hate my life,” I thought. I had for a long time. As far back as I can remember all I wanted was to be loved and accepted. Instead, I was ridiculed and put down for my looks and my so called “lack of brain power.” I ended up with no personality, nothing that would cause anyone to want to spend time with me.

I Hate My Life – Yearning for Love and Acceptance
How did I get here? Even when I was little, I didn’t fit in. I wasn’t pretty, I was too tall, and at one point a little behind all my classmates in a new school. That new school was where I first experienced the rejection that would scar me for life. When I had to go into a different school the next year, I just knew no one would like me, so I acted out. I rejected them before they could reject me. I just wanted to disappear off the face of the earth but life kept happening, and I was a very unwilling participant.

Junior High came and I wanted to go into my new school incognito. But that year I spent too much time at the pool and ended up with green hair. I’m sure you can imagine what the tallest person in the class who just happened to have green hair was called. It was another reason to crawl in a hole and hide. That’s just what I wanted to do the rest of Junior High and High School – hide.

All of this time, my heart was crying out to be loved and accepted, but there was no way I was going to believe that I ever would be. No one seemed to care if I was even alive other than my family and sometimes I even wondered about them.

I Hate My Life – Collegiate Mistakes
After High School, my parents told me I was going to go to college. By this time, I was a super non-achiever and definitely did not want to go to college. I had no choice but to go, but for the first time in my life I set a goal for myself. I was going to be accepted and popular. I didn’t know how I was going to meet that goal, but who cared? As it turned out, I became well known, but not necessarily popular.

As I grew up my parents would have their little parties on Saturday nights and go to church on Sundays. I couldn’t handle that and I grew to hate drinking and anyone who drank. Well, that all changed in college. During the fall of my first year, a popular guy asked a friend and me to go to a bar with him and some other friends. I did not want to go, but decided that was a way of getting to know people. My plan was to have a coke and let them drink what they wanted, but their plan was to get this little and naive freshman drunk. They succeeded and I lost, literally. I wish I could say that I was in control, but from that night on, alcohol took over. I was hooked! For the first time in my life I could talk to guys and feel like I could be a part of the group. I could hardly wait for the next party to get drunk and have fun.

Later that fall, I went out with a good looking guy that was a few years older than me. I was very flattered that he would want to take me out, but I wouldn’t have been if I would have known what he planned. That night he had sex with me and I became his special little play thing if his girlfriend was unavailable. I soon found out that the only way I was going to get invited anywhere was to give the guy what he wanted. I ended up hating men and myself. By the time college was out, I prided myself in being the biggest lush and slut on campus. That’s something to be proud of, huh?

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I Hate My Life – Hitting Bottom
This downward cycle continued to include pretty heavy use of drugs and consuming enough alcohol to make myself sick and pass out every night. I hated myself. I had nothing to live for. I had thrown away over 4 years of college and I came away with no skills whatsoever. I was at the bottom as far as personal self worth goes.

About this time a friend started telling me that I was killing thousands of brain cells as I drank straight bourbon. I told him I didn’t care, there wasn’t much to kill. But he started getting through the fog and I decided that maybe I’d better get out.

I moved in with my sister and after about a month, I hit bottom. I had no desire to go on and absolutely nothing to live for. I was too chicken to kill myself. I failed again – I couldn’t even commit suicide, so I cried for days it seemed.

I Hate My Life – Desperation
Finally, my sister asked if I would like to talk to someone and I agreed even though it was a Christian counselor. I didn’t have much use for Christians even though I had grown up going to church. I thought they were a bunch of hypocrites, but I was desperate. She told me that God loved me. There was no way I was going to believe that. She then told me that I was a sinner and I shot back at her, “That’s nothing new!”

I was surprised that God hadn’t struck me dead years before. The third thing she told was that God had a plan for my life. I was so low, that I knew I had no future if I tried to do it on my own. That day I told God that if He wanted this mess I called life, He could have it and do with it what He wanted. More power to Him! I had lived my whole life daring people to like me and I rebelliously dared God to accept me and do something with my life. My life had been marked by anger and rebellion and unfortunately those things didn’t disappear overnight. But, God has taken this very angry, messed up person and just kept showing me His love.

I Hate My Life – Finding Much Needed Acceptance
Life used to be all about me. Why don’t people love me? Who will love me? What do I have to do to make people love me? Why can’t I find peace and love? I looked for the answers to all those questions in all the wrong places: booze, sex, and drugs. Those answers almost killed me. But when God touched my heart, I found the answers to all my questions. He brought love and peace into my life when I looked to Him to provide.

As far as feeling dumb and stupid all my life, I found out that I am fairly intelligent. I might do stupid things now and then, but that doesn’t make me stupid. That’s another thing the Lord revealed to me. I am not perfect, I still have moments of wondering if anyone loves me and there are times I feel really dumb. There are also times when I am overwhelmed by shame from the past, but when I turn to the Lord through His Word and prayer, He’s always there, ready to pour out His love on me.

God has given me such joy and peace in the past few years, something that I despaired ever knowing. He has opened up my life to aspects of Himself that I had only read about before: His love for me, His desire to bless me, and the fact that He could truly love others through me.

Praise His name for taking me, a very rebellious child and loving me and never giving up on me, even when I wanted to give up on Him. But, most of all I praise Him that He has set me free, free to know Him, free to live the life He planned for me before the world was ever formed. John 8:36 says “If the Son shall make you free, you shall be free indeed.” This verse has become a reality for me and I praise His name!